I, your Candy Voivode Kohoutek, have been needing a sick new Spelljammer for a while. A space-yacht befitting my nobility, class and predilection for violence. I had asked the Arena Gnomes many, many times to make me one. And yet, after many hours of patient waiting, I still found myself without the vessel I so richly deserved.
It turns out the gnomes’ love language is being flayed. Being the candy man that I am, I had thought it better to try to attract flies with sugar than with vinegar. Thats the last time I ask them nicely for anything, really. Especially when I want to see something by close-of-business on a Friday.
So, anyways, I shared my vision with the Arena Gnome spelljammerwrights, and they got to work. I told them I wanted a ship that would cut through the darkness of space like the thrumming strains of hard rock. I needed it to be made of candy, and to have the offense capacity to completely murder somewhere between 1 and 8 top-tier gladiators. Oh, and I wanted it shaped like a guitar. I really think they nailed it, see the image below.
Candy, Candy, Candy, I Can’t Let You Go…
Anyways, I sure would love to tip my hand like a real super villain, and tell you about all the armaments and defenses. I could tell you about the Face Blasting Solo cannon that shoots molten candy. I could tell you about the StarMint Domes. They generate the shields for this thing, keeping me safe as houses inside. I could tell you about the way the gnomes designed the engines to explode dramatically and ensure the death of everyone on board if they are badly damaged. I could tell you a lot of things. I could even give you the PIN number to my bank account…but I’m not a damned idiot, so I won’t be doing any of that.
Anyways, I look forward to seeing you shrink to an infinitely small point behind me as I rocket away through space on my definitely rock and roll themed Spelljammer.
I got other Spelljammer stuff. Check it out here.
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